So, I haven’t written a life post in a long time. I don’t know why. Perhaps its easier to hide behind bad poetry and random thought and call it expression, than to write out in clear sentences how things are. That’s not to say that things are not good, because actually, they are very good. Its just to say that maybe there are a few things in life I have been pretending I didn’t need to deal with, that is now affecting my ability to get a good nights rest, as the anxiety greets me at the strike of 10. And in true avoidant fashion, I’ve taken to sleeping pills to sleep, creating this circle of passive stress. So I’ve deiced to write about it and get it off my chest and out in the world so I can attempt a practice of accountability with myself that I don’t seem to have when writing in my journal.
So last month I finally moved across the country. (I live in South Africa, so across the country is Johannesburg.) Which is something I have been working on for a long time and I am beyond grateful about it. To make things even cooler, I live alone. I’m renting a small cottage/guesthouse, which I love, apart from a few structural things, its affordable and close to where I’m studying, so the whole thing is great. Things have been going really great. I have made new friends, I am more independent, I’ve been doing well in my classes. I have even managed to catch up and with an old friend who I’ve missed and we have been spending time together. things are good.
But the thing with things being good, is it only takes a few minutes for my head to start causing circling thoughts of misery. And when the mind starts churning, people start becoming an issue for me, and sleep becomes restless and the anxiety hamster gets on his wheel and we are back at the start of this shitty cycle. I just can’t stop the thought that this is all going to disappear or fail. That things won’t work out, that the people I met don’t really like me and that I’m not smart enough to finish the course.
How did I get back here!! things are going well, why am I trying to mess it up. Why am I looking for reasons to light it all on fire. And this is one aspect that is worsened by living alone, and it is something that I never realized would be an issue. The isolation breeds more avoidance and panic. I feel like I need to go through the coping with anxiety handbook again. I really thought I had passed this stage of my life. But I have come too far to give in now. It’s just that some days being human is harder than others. I think I just need a good nights sleep and a fresh glass of orange juice. Then maybe I can start looking for a reason to feel better and start breathing before I given in to drawing the curtains and hiding from my life again. Maybe all the change is just rattling more than I had expected it would.