When silence is a poem…

The season begins to rotate, changing from the warm summer days to the chilly start of Autumn. I’ve always found the in between seasons to be the most beautiful. Filled with slow change and feet dipped into warm and chilly all at the same time. Until now I’ve had to watch the beauty of these moments from calendars and post cards. Having grown up in a city where there was no distinct seasons, merely winter and summer, one never truly got to see the colours fade and bloom as the days moved forward. This is the first Autumn I find myself driving on an over cast day with the sun trying to be present , and have leaves softly fall on my windscreen. The air also has a sweet chill in it that has me starting to feel different. Like the season, I find myself morphing into a new phase. A beginning of a new experience is upon me. I can’t tell what it is or why , but the future feels like it’s filled with something subtle but exciting. At the same time I find myself drawn to silence. As if my words feel out-of-place in this moment. Sit still . Be patient. Temperance is the theme of the end of the month. The chilled breeze is teaching me that peace is found not in sound but in the slow allowance of sleep and rest. I am in need of sleep and rest.

The last 6 months has been a rollercoaster that I can’t seem to articulate to anyone. Not even those who were close to me during this time. I haven’t been able to write a poem in the last 3 months. Not due to a lack of emotion or content . But due to a lack of will I guess. Often the need to constantly express everything is a resistance to breathing calmly for me. So like the leaves that fall softly in the breeze, I to will slowly let go. Slowly release control. Temperance. Let everything come in its own time.  Prehaps I let this be my art for a while. The quiet. The silence. Me breathing.

 

“…there are times when silence is a poem.”

― John Fowles

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I don’t need a reason to write

It’s been a while since i have taken to write anything here. i don’t know why, other then the feeling that i have nothing worth contributing. but i felt a reminder today that the purpose of my blog was never to be an exceptional writer, but instead to give myself a platform to express my emotions as i please. to be quite honest I am in need of some self expression lately.

These days i feel constantly judged and defensive. My heart feels strained and my mind in a knot. and its not just about romantic yearning, its about the depth of life again. I m always told i take life to seriously and i have to stop thinking , but none of that advise actually relaxes my heart or release my mind.

i want to stop wanting him or thinking about him. its become ridiculous and unproductive. i want to be free from the attachment. im crying over a guy who is travelling the world and living his best life, all the while not thinking about me. I was in a good place emotionally 4 months ago , but now i seem to be counting hours and checking my phone. Let me let you go.  I always though that it was me holding on to him, but somehow lately i feel its the other way around. Surely he has some idea how i feel. surely he knew how leaving his stuff at place would be. surely he knows. Yet , here we are. me trying to move on , afraid that he will return the moment i do, and at the same time afraid that he might not return at all. Let me let you go. If I am what you want let me know. Else let me go. i deserve love and happiness and someone who is certain about me. If we are to move in this circle without a clear conclusion, then what is the point. could we ever really call it love then?

The anxiety i cause myself these days is exhausting. everyone tells me that my “problems ” aren’t real. that is very isolating to hear. i feel almost like i’m not valid to exist in life , unless my issue are about a husband or child or someone physically attacking me. But these small little issues i tend to have , are keeping me from get to the stage in my life where i have “real problems”.  I’m trying to not always get back to the space where my anxiety is a defining characteristic of my life. but doesn’t help when everyone tells me my feelings aren’t real.

his absence hurts. work feels hard. and most nights i feel like crying. its not always going to feel this heavy. i know . But ignoring the feelings aren’t helping either

 

 

A nightly compromise

Two tiny yellow pills are a compromise
An antihistamine for the howling wolf in my head who chooses to play when I get into the bed,

It could be worse
I could be stuck all night facing myself
I could be stuck thinking myself in a corner,
So I silence him,
Barely.

Slightly drowsy enough to not have to beg for sleep but in control enough to choose my dream.

Some days I feel weak at the way I can’t control my mind,
Some days I champion positivity,
Today I met my mortality at my inability to perfect perfection.

Four yellow pills are a compromise.

A long night

It’s early in the night
Just past ten
And I’ve darken the room
Sparalled in the centre of the double bed
Starring at the blankness of the ceiling
I arrived to this possision at 8.

The weather has always howled its presence
The wind sings songs that no one listens to
Its screaming at my window
I can’t hear it over the muffled noise inside my head

It is getting late in the night
Just past 12
And I’ve burdaned the room with too many thoughts
Coiled up in the center of the double bed
Staring at the blankness of the wall
I arrived at this position at 10

The air always seems to wispher my inner conflicts
The room always bares the weight of what pulls on my mind
But I never seem to pay attention
It is tapping on me to let it out
But I’m to busy trying to run scenarios in my head

It is early in the twilight
I can’t find the clock
The night got the best of me
Mind shows promise to settle
Sleep whispers.

Some nights …

Sometimes I awake with the need to remind myself that I’m human
That the good can flood my veins
That love always finds away,

Sometimes I wake with the wish to go back to asleep
to roll over and never wake
to watch the living from satellite state,

Most days I envy those who live in the cave
enjoying the shadows
pretending to be awake,

The rest of the days
I wish I knew how to face the coming days,
To confidently take on the day.

It’s that simple

The conventional romance is an ill fit
the drama of it all makes me compassionate towards the bitter end in Verona,
It’s unsustainable,
It’s pageantry
It’s a sport
I don’t want to play.
I want love
I want strength
I want freedom
I want happiness
I want commitment
I want joyful excitement at the sound of our names.
And I will get it,
but the energy it takes to be in love is exhausting as it is
Why add all that fiction?
Our energy can be better utilised simply being in each others arms

The hamster found the wheel I guess

So, I haven’t written a life post in a long time.  I don’t know why. Perhaps its easier to hide behind bad poetry and random thought and call it expression, than to write out in clear sentences how things are. That’s not to say that things are not good, because actually, they are very good. Its just to say that maybe there are a few things in life I have been pretending I didn’t need to deal with, that is now affecting my ability to get a good nights rest, as the anxiety greets me at the strike of 10.  And in true avoidant fashion, I’ve taken to sleeping pills to sleep, creating this circle of passive stress. So I’ve deiced to write about it and get it off my chest and out in the world so I can attempt a practice of accountability with myself that I don’t seem to have when writing in my journal.

So last month I finally moved across the country.  (I live in South Africa, so across the country is Johannesburg.) Which is something I have been working on for a long time and I am beyond grateful about it.  To make things even cooler, I live alone. I’m renting a small cottage/guesthouse, which I love, apart from a few structural things, its affordable and close to where I’m studying, so the whole thing is great. Things have been going really great. I have made new friends, I am more independent, I’ve been doing well in my classes. I have even managed to catch up and with an old friend who I’ve missed and we have been spending time together. things are good.

But the thing with things being good,  is it only takes a few minutes for my head to start causing circling thoughts of misery. And when the mind starts churning, people start becoming an issue for me, and sleep becomes restless and the anxiety hamster gets on his wheel and we are back at the start of this shitty cycle. I just can’t stop the thought that this is all going to disappear or fail. That things won’t work out, that the people I met don’t really like me and that I’m not smart enough to finish the course.

How did I get back here!! things are going well, why am I trying to mess it up. Why am I looking for reasons to light it all on fire. And this is one aspect that is worsened by living alone, and it is something that I never realized would be an issue. The isolation breeds more avoidance and panic.  I feel like I need to go through the coping with anxiety handbook again. I really thought I had passed this stage of my life. But I have come too far to give in now.  It’s just that some days being human is harder than others.  I think I just need a good nights sleep and a fresh glass of orange juice. Then maybe I can start looking for a reason to feel better and start breathing before I given in to drawing the curtains and hiding from my life again.  Maybe all the change is just rattling more than I had expected it would.