It’s that simple

The conventional romance is an ill fit
the drama of it all makes me compassionate towards the bitter end in Verona,
It’s unsustainable,
It’s pageantry
It’s a sport
I don’t want to play.
I want love
I want strength
I want freedom
I want happiness
I want commitment
I want joyful excitement at the sound of our names.
And I will get it,
but the energy it takes to be in love is exhausting as it is
Why add all that fiction?
Our energy can be better utilised simply being in each others arms

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The hamster found the wheel I guess

So, I haven’t written a life post in a long time.  I don’t know why. Perhaps its easier to hide behind bad poetry and random thought and call it expression, than to write out in clear sentences how things are. That’s not to say that things are not good, because actually, they are very good. Its just to say that maybe there are a few things in life I have been pretending I didn’t need to deal with, that is now affecting my ability to get a good nights rest, as the anxiety greets me at the strike of 10.  And in true avoidant fashion, I’ve taken to sleeping pills to sleep, creating this circle of passive stress. So I’ve deiced to write about it and get it off my chest and out in the world so I can attempt a practice of accountability with myself that I don’t seem to have when writing in my journal.

So last month I finally moved across the country.  (I live in South Africa, so across the country is Johannesburg.) Which is something I have been working on for a long time and I am beyond grateful about it.  To make things even cooler, I live alone. I’m renting a small cottage/guesthouse, which I love, apart from a few structural things, its affordable and close to where I’m studying, so the whole thing is great. Things have been going really great. I have made new friends, I am more independent, I’ve been doing well in my classes. I have even managed to catch up and with an old friend who I’ve missed and we have been spending time together. things are good.

But the thing with things being good,  is it only takes a few minutes for my head to start causing circling thoughts of misery. And when the mind starts churning, people start becoming an issue for me, and sleep becomes restless and the anxiety hamster gets on his wheel and we are back at the start of this shitty cycle. I just can’t stop the thought that this is all going to disappear or fail. That things won’t work out, that the people I met don’t really like me and that I’m not smart enough to finish the course.

How did I get back here!! things are going well, why am I trying to mess it up. Why am I looking for reasons to light it all on fire. And this is one aspect that is worsened by living alone, and it is something that I never realized would be an issue. The isolation breeds more avoidance and panic.  I feel like I need to go through the coping with anxiety handbook again. I really thought I had passed this stage of my life. But I have come too far to give in now.  It’s just that some days being human is harder than others.  I think I just need a good nights sleep and a fresh glass of orange juice. Then maybe I can start looking for a reason to feel better and start breathing before I given in to drawing the curtains and hiding from my life again.  Maybe all the change is just rattling more than I had expected it would.

 

 

Let love be everything

If this life does not involve me fall into loves arms
If my heart is forced to beat in even rythem, never skipping, never losing track
If I am not to see the world of beauty through anothers eyes
If the stars are forced to be seen as merely gas,

Then tell what good is being a live!
I am a world of emotion erupting beneath this skin
I am eyes always searching for him
I am lungs always breathing joy in
If this life is not about love,
Then do not keep me here.

Ask me

And though the land has seized to be an obstacle between us,
I find you further away 
then when I spent night's in contemplation of the stars,
I am finally able to see your face
but I am hiding behind the face of the moon,
hoping he will continue to send you messages for me,

I am a coward with my heart
I am scattered with my intentions
I am waiting for you to reach for me,
I don't want us to be a story on a page,
help me make this into something real life.
Be the one to ask for it.

It’s quiet without the gasping for air.

The anxiety is gone but I keep searching for it,
Like I’m a kid in search of a beloved toy
I am turning the room of my mind upside down
Screaming ‘why have you abandoned me’
As if I am alone without the voice
As if no one can hold me as tightly as I can pull my body into its self

I can’t find the panic.
I start to question how I know I’m alive if I’m not struggling for breath,
How will I know if it’s morning if I’m not awoken at 2am and then at 4 again,

I’m healing,
yet the comfort of knowing that some days the elephant visits a seat upon my chest has become something I long for,
who I am without the closing in of walls
I need practice at being ‘well ‘