I’ve become overwhelmed by words of late. My daily job involves so much reading and writing , as well as so much learning. It has become harder and harder to find myself a place to sit and read for enjoyment. The words flow through me like a bucket with a whole. Unable to hold the depth and beauty that comes with time spent in contemplation of another thought. I can barley find a moment to sit a write a poem , either good or bad. Anything really. This is a part of me i miss greatly.
But instead of giving up and into the tiredness of my mind, i have finally woken up to the beauty of audio books . I now find myself sitting a breathing in books i never had the time to read. I’ve begun to expand my experience in written word in a way i have always avoided. And this delayed realization and obviously pointless stubbornness has pointed out another point of growth within me.
So often i have avoided trying an experience based on my inability to adapt to change. A need to stick to what i know and feelings that are familiar. As such my ability to trust life and let go has been such a torturing lesson. One that keeps me in a space of reflection and less in a moment of learning. How many times have i lost a great experience to this fearful stubbornness? how much love has passed me because i stuck to my stubborn need to hold on to my trusted methods.
I’m in need to blow my world open with the excitement of trying to live my life in new different to the ways I’ve previously lived. Maybe the way I’ve handled my current heartbreak and attempts to let go , are less about the subject of the pain and more about the method of release i have chosen.
letting go and letting God , requires a sense of flexibility. A trust in that which i can’t know. I’m still trying to have control. I’m still anxious in my inability to know the outcome. I’m stubbornly deluding myself into the belief that i am free, when in fact i am not. For if i was , him messaging me over a month ago would not have allowed me to break down. I would be in a place of allowing and releasing. which is currently not the case. Instead i control.
I’m so desperate to have an answer to my issues , a method and road map to certain healing . Maybe that is not the way to heal from all of it. Perhaps Mr Rike was right about living to the answers. It looks like I’m back to needing patience, and some flexibility.