Perhaps we’re knights

Perhaps it just had to happen this way. The rain. The clouds. The wind hitting against the windows at 2am. As you waited for sleep to fall. Life surprises us sometimes. All that darkness that falls and then suddenly there is the speck of light.

Of course, no one ever sees the darkness or the cartoon cloud that hangs above your head. The misery you apparently caused yourself for so long. It is unseen. You have remained misunderstood. While everyone lived life around you.

 It’s not that anyone was at fault. You can’t blame someone for not reacting to something they can’t see. And you can’t blame yourself for not being able to see that they don’t see what you see. After all, you were too busy spending nights squeezing the rain out your hair. Buckets around you that you couldn’t explain, that the tears kept filling.

Of cause, you held tight to your pain. You tried to convince yourself you weren’t crazy. You ripped your mind out with steak knives at the dinner table to show them:” look! My mind is failing.” You rattled your chest in their ears when the room was silent hoping they would hear the pieces whisper: ”put me back together”.

And you waited for them. The friends. The family. The men who believed they could love you, that they could stay. They couldn’t see the things you saw. The tears you cried. They didn’t wake up to the roaring waves in your mind at night. So, you left them. Or they left you. As you tried to manage your crazy while trying to convince the world of your pain.

And somehow. Someway. You got yourself through it. Through the long nights. The cold days. The days you wondered why you had to even breath.

After all of it. Perhaps it just had to happen this way. That the light would expand, and you would come through it tougher but alone.  So, you can see how beautiful it all made you. How it helps to know you can hold your breath for years and survive it. That they can turn around and not love you and you can survive it. That they may never see the world through your eyes. But you can survive it.

Perhaps when you were a child and prayed to God: “please make me so strong, that I can fight monsters in castles. Why can’t girls be  knights?”, he answered you’re prayers by showing you all the monsters in your head. Gave you a sword and let you fight them yourself. As the sky whispered: “show them how brave you are “.

Perhaps it just had to happen this way. So, you can learn how beautiful it is to rise above it all.

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Written in the sky

Who taught you the moon and sun have a tragic love?
why do you believe they live a tortured life apart
who taught you that time is linear,
that intimacy is a touch
that happiness and love are hard to come by?

Can’t you see that  the moon and the sun have the strongest of love,
an effortless unconditional acceptance
supporting each other through the tides and cloudy days,
the sun is always illuminating the moon through the night
the moon leaving the sun to be everyone’s spotlight

who told you they are opposing forces
they are two sides of the same coin
but there is a dance between them
of day and night that energises the world
they make love by pushing time
they connect by moving the world forward
climaxing through eclipses, such intimacy.

this world is a child
merely looking up at its parents not understanding the unity and beauty that comes from loving someone for lifetimes
that just their smile is enough to move oceans inside you,
why do you continue to believe that such a great symbol of love is star-crossed and destined to be apart?
when the very thought of the one prompts you to think of the other
they are married on your tongue

My Love,
Our love can’t  cease over distance or time
I need not your hand in my every night
because like the moon and sun
our souls are married across lifetimes

 

Feel it… or hand me the match.

We had swallowed our emotions like glass.
Riping slits in our throats
the breathing no longer muscle memory is strained,
they leak,
seeping through into our veins
searching for our hearts,
hoping to drown it,
to stop the beating,
these hidden emotions are fighting to be felt.
The pressure of suppression only makes coal
We are left waiting to be set alight.

I am doing good.

I don’t quite know what I’m meant to be writing. I have too many questions about life now, that my anticipation for the answer and it’s need to be right, good, and perfect, seems to be preventing me not only from moving from the spot from where I stand, but from saying the things I really want to say. How important is it that you say the right thing? That every decision amounts to something clean and perfect. Why am I so convinced that what I want to do with my life is so wrong?

When someone asks me for advice about love or life, I always say: “do what feels right and natural to you. Do what you know will make YOU happy”. and I watch them smile and light up as they realize what they really want. And even if they go the other direction they feel happy for a second in knowing what they want and how happy will feel. But when I try to follow my own advice I seem to have a reverse reaction. I seem to hit a moment of sadness and annoyances. It’s as if I don’t believe I deserve my own happiness. In away I’m scared to imagine what I want for my future. I can’t seem to figure out how I want it to look. I know what I want. I know who I want. But I can’t seem to put the pieces together without freaking out. 3

But do deserve happiness and abundance. And I do on some level believe this. But my mind has just spent so many years feeling like I lack everything I need. It’s hard to now look at it all and say I’m full of everything I need. That mental change doesn’t just happen overnight. But I’m going to keep working on it.

On a more positive note, I seem to have gotten a hold of the anxiety aspects of my life. This feels good. Not being tied to the role of the victim of my own thoughts. Yes, my mind still throws a spanner in the works of my plans every now and then, but at least I’m no longer freaking out every day. In fact, I haven’t really had a night session tear fest in a while. So, I’m taking the win.

I don’t quite know what I want to tell you in this post. But I just felt like I needed to write it. Maybe just for myself. So, I can have this conversation with me. An outward experience to my inner turmoil. For the first time, I’m feeling good and happy. Things haven’t completely worked themselves out yet and I’m still in the process of life. But I’m not being a false positive about the outcome. I’m just happy and hopeful. I am starting to be clearer about what I want and what I need. This is new for me. For some people courage means jumping off bridges, for other it is saying something to someone, but for me right now, being brave and courageous is facing myself and the truth of who I really want. Its admitting to myself that it is love, that I do want to move and that that is the job I want. And now with that knowledge I can work on the next step of being braving, which will be going after all those things and expressing them to other people. The steps of healing I guess.

I haven’t been posting much of my poetry or any prose on this site lately, but I have been starting to write in journals more which is a big deal for me. I’m constantly going through moments of feeling like I’m no good at writing. So, it blocks creativity I guess, and then I supress emotions and the circle continues. But I’m getting back into the swing of things. I really think I’m starting to feel the process of healing my life coming through now. It’s taken a long time to get here, but I feel like I’m here. On the shore of the ocean of all I am. And healing comes in waves, and I’m beginning to learn how to ride them.  And I’m not going to put pressure on myself to do this perfectly, just going to focus on doing what feels right for me.

It feels good to ramble a bit about how I’m feeling. these pieces make me feel heard, even if it’s just by myself. Often, it’s me who needs to read it the most.

Is it better than indifference?

How does it feel to kill yourself from the inside
To hold your heart in your own first and tighten till the oxygen seeps out
The gulp when you realise it might be your last breath

Love is but a leash tightened around the neck of our souls capable of leading us to safety
But instead, we pull in the wrong direction
Leashes turn to nooses

I’m looking for you
Reaching for you
Calling out
But love has me standing on a stool
And every time you leave
it’s like my heart inches to kick the chair.