I don’t know how I’m feeling, and I don’t want to feeling. The constant waves of nerves in my tummy has me living off salads to keep food down. I don’t now what the nerves relate to , and i haven’t the interest in figuring it out. I just tired of having anxiety , and constantly try to remain in control of it. I’m tired of having something i have to fix.
I’m back to angst , existential that is. i can feel im not okay, i feel myself checking out, but everyone keeps brushing it off , like if i practice mindfulness it wont throw me off. the panic wont come if attend the therapy and do the exercises. But im tired. i don’t have the energy to try. I know people have it worse, but I’m not peoples and i’m tired.
I don’t want to be angry or woah is me. I just want someone to hold me while i scream for an hour and ask no questions. I don’t want explain my insides, the words always come out wrong, and no one is ever listening enough or understand how my gut feels warm and i have the constant urge to reach in and rip the feeling out. To say i feel anxious is lazy , its like calling the brightest light white. its not just one colour . It’s a mass of every colour rolled in to one. I’m feeling everything and i can’t let it out.
Life is a lot, and i’m tired of trying at it and giving everything my best. No matter how much i try to tell him, he won’t love me. not matter how happy i try to be, i won’t be. not matter how much i try to help them the situation won’t change. I can fix the passed or preserve the future. what is unfolding is unfolding with no care of what I want. And i know that this is a lesson in letting go. But today don’t , want to learn. i don’t want to make sense. i don’t want to feel , i don’t want talk about it and i don’t want to try.
It’s just a lot . And i know it’s a lot for everyone right now. But it just feel like it’s been a lot for 10 years now, and i’m just tired.
I wrote some stuff.. 