some things are too much of a coincidence to not be magic..
some things are too much of a coincidence to not be magic..
I don’t quite know what I’m meant to be writing. I have too many questions about life now, that my anticipation for the answer and it’s need to be right, good, and perfect, seems to be preventing me not only from moving from the spot from where I stand, but from saying the things I really want to say. How important is it that you say the right thing? That every decision amounts to something clean and perfect. Why am I so convinced that what I want to do with my life is so wrong?
When someone asks me for advice about love or life, I always say: “do what feels right and natural to you. Do what you know will make YOU happy”. and I watch them smile and light up as they realize what they really want. And even if they go the other direction they feel happy for a second in knowing what they want and how happy will feel. But when I try to follow my own advice I seem to have a reverse reaction. I seem to hit a moment of sadness and annoyances. It’s as if I don’t believe I deserve my own happiness. In away I’m scared to imagine what I want for my future. I can’t seem to figure out how I want it to look. I know what I want. I know who I want. But I can’t seem to put the pieces together without freaking out. 3
But do deserve happiness and abundance. And I do on some level believe this. But my mind has just spent so many years feeling like I lack everything I need. It’s hard to now look at it all and say I’m full of everything I need. That mental change doesn’t just happen overnight. But I’m going to keep working on it.
On a more positive note, I seem to have gotten a hold of the anxiety aspects of my life. This feels good. Not being tied to the role of the victim of my own thoughts. Yes, my mind still throws a spanner in the works of my plans every now and then, but at least I’m no longer freaking out every day. In fact, I haven’t really had a night session tear fest in a while. So, I’m taking the win.
I don’t quite know what I want to tell you in this post. But I just felt like I needed to write it. Maybe just for myself. So, I can have this conversation with me. An outward experience to my inner turmoil. For the first time, I’m feeling good and happy. Things haven’t completely worked themselves out yet and I’m still in the process of life. But I’m not being a false positive about the outcome. I’m just happy and hopeful. I am starting to be clearer about what I want and what I need. This is new for me. For some people courage means jumping off bridges, for other it is saying something to someone, but for me right now, being brave and courageous is facing myself and the truth of who I really want. Its admitting to myself that it is love, that I do want to move and that that is the job I want. And now with that knowledge I can work on the next step of being braving, which will be going after all those things and expressing them to other people. The steps of healing I guess.
I haven’t been posting much of my poetry or any prose on this site lately, but I have been starting to write in journals more which is a big deal for me. I’m constantly going through moments of feeling like I’m no good at writing. So, it blocks creativity I guess, and then I supress emotions and the circle continues. But I’m getting back into the swing of things. I really think I’m starting to feel the process of healing my life coming through now. It’s taken a long time to get here, but I feel like I’m here. On the shore of the ocean of all I am. And healing comes in waves, and I’m beginning to learn how to ride them. And I’m not going to put pressure on myself to do this perfectly, just going to focus on doing what feels right for me.
It feels good to ramble a bit about how I’m feeling. these pieces make me feel heard, even if it’s just by myself. Often, it’s me who needs to read it the most.
My bookshelf much resembles my heart.
It’s filled with stories I had hoped to read and titles I have loved from afar.
I am always too busy to start a book. I’m always too afraid to read.
As if each page may reveal a part of me I was trying to pretend wasn’t real.
I’m made of plot twist and contradiction. I’m sometimes a heavy read.
My shelf has so many books I’m yet to complete
As if I’m hiding from knowing the end. I’m escaping the loss
Like friends, these pages have become to me.
I ‘ve never been good at goodbyes. I’m never good at endings.
I’m always avoiding the last page.
There are so many books I’d wished to never read
and yet they still managed to teach me the world.
My bookshelf resembles my heart.
Filling with Dust but as wide as the world
I need to read more.
I need to try love more
It is beautiful even if it is sad,
Even if tears the seams of your heart
And causes tidal waves in your soul
It remains beautiful,
Like the sky when it rains
Or the ocean’s waves
It’s beautiful because it’s strong
It roars, it thunders, it cries, it destructs
It makes you feel
What is more beautiful than a heart beat,
irrespective of why it beats?
In the moment you hear the words coming out your mouth
A realisation comes over of just how full of shit we all are convincing ourselves that we have a handle on the meaning of life
As if our soothing and deep breathing will save us from the nights we fall asleep crying and the overwhelming feeling that tomorrow won’t get any better
All the wisdom doesn’t make life easier
We’ve just gotten better at shutting off the parts of ourselves that feel pain
Drugs come in all forms
We injest things to quickly
There is strange feeling that comes over you
when you watch the past version of yourself burn in the flames,
It resembles a warm hug,
Almost as if every unrequited moment or tear shed
has finally surpassed the need for closure,
You are watching your limitations combust
and you are finally feeling like who you wanted to be.
Its like surfing a volcano
The moment you say
“No one can hold me back”
I love this. With turning 25 being three days away, I’ve become extremely reflective. Maybe it is the pressure of officially being an adult or the fear for the depression and anxiety that comes with thinking you haven’t achieved what you wanted by 25. Either way, I’ve started to think a lot about what has happened in my first quarter. The friends I have , the friends I’ve lost. The loves I’ve missed, and the opportunities ran from. The nights I cried, the days I didn’t want to wake up to. The moments of love, and the moments of anger. Like a tornado of emotions and flash photography, my mind has been spinning. And more often then not I go to the dark place of “what if’s” and “maybes” , and “should have ” and “could have”. However, I refuse to get depressed about my birthday.
25 is not just a big number because everyone says so. But because it is my conclusion number. This is the year of ends for me. The end of my studies , of bad friendships, and hopefully the last year I live at home .I’m entering a time of transition. Maybe the first quarter was filled of mistakes and missed moments, but I’m going to forgive myself for it. How could anyone know any better when learning to live and breath for the first time? A childhood for childish things. I know that sounds like it is an insult,but its not. One of the most important part of being a child is to learn and make mistakes. To be and adult is to learn and take steps. I’ve played and learns, and scraped my knee more times then I can count. Now I need to continue learning , but start to stand up, and move towards my dreams. This is how I will define being an adult. It doesn’t have to be he same for all of us.
This is not to say I will automatically turn into a mature well rounded citizen. NO. I’m so far from that. What I refer to is the way my mind works and the way I reason my life. That’s what I’m going to work on changing. My inner child will always remain , her and her adventurous spirit and ridiculous humor 🙂
The most important part of my turning 25 reflections is that I’m letting myself of the hook for all that happened good and bad. I’ve learnt what I can from it. I shall now move forward. Ready for all that comes and hopeful for my dream of . I’m also going to allow myself feel everything I feel , good and bad. And not to put pressure on myself to have everything always together. I’m human. I will make mistakes, and have bad days. Its all part of the process. I need to remember that.
So here is to the last few days of 24 . it wasn’t as fun as 23 , lol, but 24 taught more about myself then all 24 years combined. here is to life lessons.