Maybe the reason why we felt it or went through it, isn’t as important as why we have to let it go.
I wish to no longer write of love lost between us
even if it means not thinking about you or outlining the image of this dream
No longer dragging my melancholy pen across a sea of paper.
I hoped we would have figured it out by now,
That the combination of two hearts longing for magic would trace a path way through the skies
Like star fated meant to be’s,
But you are thick
And I am stubborn ,
Like two asses that can’t figure out how to hitch themselves to awagon
Or follow the well lit road,
the road has literally become barrier between us
These train and planes can’t seem to bring you to me anyway ,
I’m left reaching in the dark with the fear that you’re not there,
you have been listening in a crowded city for my call, afraid that the silence means I don’t care.
We can’t begin when we have been throwing everything between us.
How do we move forward when we both to scared to move.
Do we need to touch for you to remember me?
as if in our embrace our cells remember each other,
To separate has always been agony
it is as if my skin forgets where it starts and finishes,
We fluidly melt into eachother
Like fusing glass
flowing, easing into one
I knew when I drew distance
And in the moment I failed to embrace you
I was looking at the end
Did you think I finalised a goodbye?
In the time spent apart have you replaced me?
Do you no longer long for me?
There is no muscle memory
Our bodies are existing independently,
Give me a chance to remind you.
Maybe it is in writing about you that I have come to lose you.
I filled the growing distance between us with words
I wasn’t brave enough to say to your face.
You are no longer a form I can hold
all I have left is words between lines,
a book on a shelf,
I’d leave this world to be the oak you now rest on.
If only to feel you on me,
To be close.
Could you please be braver than me?
I have been fighting wars since I was carved out my mothers womb,
my skin is stained by the sun
my blood is mixed like the clashing waves of the two oceans
my existence was a little challenged,
I have grown weak to young
you were always stronger than me,
I am going to need a moment to catch up,
Could you be more courageous than me?
when I built these walls
the world around me gave cause to seek shelter from monsters I feared
but somehow I managed to cage them in with me,
I have been breaking bricks looking for a way out
but I am going to need some help,
my hands are cut and I am afraid of what awaits me on the other side,
Could you please be stronger than me?
my heart was hidden too deep too quick,
it is green,
it is soft.
it has not learned to love or allowed to break,
your heart has been beating through my chest like drums-signals calling me
I have been trying to follow but I fear I might be tone deaf,
maybe this time around you could come find me,
Could you please be louder than me?
your voice can drown out all the noises that shake me
your voice has always been a calming force in me,
I have been losing mine
I lack the ability to speak clearly
perhaps you could be the first to call this love,
Could you please be the one to start this?
we have waited too long
the stars have always been on our side
the seas have always given us the way,
it is me who threw gas on the flame that kept our bridge burning
but we remained connected in the sky
we were always ready
time is on our side
-but I don’t know how to start this
Could you please be the one to hold me,
I could be the one who won’t let go.
Perhaps it just had to happen this way. The rain. The clouds. The wind hitting against the windows at 2am. As you waited for sleep to fall. Life surprises us sometimes. All that darkness that falls and then suddenly there is the speck of light.
Of course, no one ever sees the darkness or the cartoon cloud that hangs above your head. The misery you apparently caused yourself for so long. It is unseen. You have remained misunderstood. While everyone lived life around you.
It’s not that anyone was at fault. You can’t blame someone for not reacting to something they can’t see. And you can’t blame yourself for not being able to see that they don’t see what you see. After all, you were too busy spending nights squeezing the rain out your hair. Buckets around you that you couldn’t explain, that the tears kept filling.
Of cause, you held tight to your pain. You tried to convince yourself you weren’t crazy. You ripped your mind out with steak knives at the dinner table to show them:” look! My mind is failing.” You rattled your chest in their ears when the room was silent hoping they would hear the pieces whisper: ”put me back together”.
And you waited for them. The friends. The family. The men who believed they could love you, that they could stay. They couldn’t see the things you saw. The tears you cried. They didn’t wake up to the roaring waves in your mind at night. So, you left them. Or they left you. As you tried to manage your crazy while trying to convince the world of your pain.
And somehow. Someway. You got yourself through it. Through the long nights. The cold days. The days you wondered why you had to even breath.
After all of it. Perhaps it just had to happen this way. That the light would expand, and you would come through it tougher but alone. So, you can see how beautiful it all made you. How it helps to know you can hold your breath for years and survive it. That they can turn around and not love you and you can survive it. That they may never see the world through your eyes. But you can survive it.
Perhaps when you were a child and prayed to God: “please make me so strong, that I can fight monsters in castles. Why can’t girls be knights?”, he answered you’re prayers by showing you all the monsters in your head. Gave you a sword and let you fight them yourself. As the sky whispered: “show them how brave you are “.
Perhaps it just had to happen this way. So, you can learn how beautiful it is to rise above it all.
We had swallowed our emotions like glass.
Riping slits in our throats
the breathing no longer muscle memory is strained,
seeping through into our veins
searching for our hearts,
hoping to drown it,
to stop the beating,
these hidden emotions are fighting to be felt.
The pressure of suppression only makes coal
We are left waiting to be set alight.