Tag Archives: Life

Maybe the stars are directing us

some things are too much of a coincidence to not be magic..

 

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I am doing good.

I don’t quite know what I’m meant to be writing. I have too many questions about life now, that my anticipation for the answer and it’s need to be right, good, and perfect, seems to be preventing me not only from moving from the spot from where I stand, but from saying the things I really want to say. How important is it that you say the right thing? That every decision amounts to something clean and perfect. Why am I so convinced that what I want to do with my life is so wrong?

When someone asks me for advice about love or life, I always say: “do what feels right and natural to you. Do what you know will make YOU happy”. and I watch them smile and light up as they realize what they really want. And even if they go the other direction they feel happy for a second in knowing what they want and how happy will feel. But when I try to follow my own advice I seem to have a reverse reaction. I seem to hit a moment of sadness and annoyances. It’s as if I don’t believe I deserve my own happiness. In away I’m scared to imagine what I want for my future. I can’t seem to figure out how I want it to look. I know what I want. I know who I want. But I can’t seem to put the pieces together without freaking out. 3

But do deserve happiness and abundance. And I do on some level believe this. But my mind has just spent so many years feeling like I lack everything I need. It’s hard to now look at it all and say I’m full of everything I need. That mental change doesn’t just happen overnight. But I’m going to keep working on it.

On a more positive note, I seem to have gotten a hold of the anxiety aspects of my life. This feels good. Not being tied to the role of the victim of my own thoughts. Yes, my mind still throws a spanner in the works of my plans every now and then, but at least I’m no longer freaking out every day. In fact, I haven’t really had a night session tear fest in a while. So, I’m taking the win.

I don’t quite know what I want to tell you in this post. But I just felt like I needed to write it. Maybe just for myself. So, I can have this conversation with me. An outward experience to my inner turmoil. For the first time, I’m feeling good and happy. Things haven’t completely worked themselves out yet and I’m still in the process of life. But I’m not being a false positive about the outcome. I’m just happy and hopeful. I am starting to be clearer about what I want and what I need. This is new for me. For some people courage means jumping off bridges, for other it is saying something to someone, but for me right now, being brave and courageous is facing myself and the truth of who I really want. Its admitting to myself that it is love, that I do want to move and that that is the job I want. And now with that knowledge I can work on the next step of being braving, which will be going after all those things and expressing them to other people. The steps of healing I guess.

I haven’t been posting much of my poetry or any prose on this site lately, but I have been starting to write in journals more which is a big deal for me. I’m constantly going through moments of feeling like I’m no good at writing. So, it blocks creativity I guess, and then I supress emotions and the circle continues. But I’m getting back into the swing of things. I really think I’m starting to feel the process of healing my life coming through now. It’s taken a long time to get here, but I feel like I’m here. On the shore of the ocean of all I am. And healing comes in waves, and I’m beginning to learn how to ride them.  And I’m not going to put pressure on myself to do this perfectly, just going to focus on doing what feels right for me.

It feels good to ramble a bit about how I’m feeling. these pieces make me feel heard, even if it’s just by myself. Often, it’s me who needs to read it the most.

Apart by stars

Tell the moon you miss me
It will echoe across the stars
Towards a distant universe where  we don’t live apart.

There they will dream little day dreams of the love that lays dormant in our hearts,

In the meanwhile, if we were to stare at the moon tonight We’ll be bathed under the same light, together yet apart. 

Pulling strings

I do not fall in love
I immerse
submerge
dive into all you are
I infatuate
draw maps around your body
keeping track of the movements of your hands and the blinking of your eye’s
I crave to know you.
Your thoughts
I’ll ask questions about existence
beat my existential musing against your mind
counting steps to your soul

I do not fall in love
I run from it towards you
creating mountains and boundaries
hiding in fantasy and make-belief
I’ll romanticise your breathing till you are no longer real,
paging through your horoscope,
checking sun signs and moon positions,
I’m always trying to figure you out,
Like a child tackling a puzzle for the first time,
I am obsessed with knowing.

You will grow to resent me,
I’m indifferent
unavailable at best,
I will pull you close but never let you in,
like the tide and the moon, we will be in sync
and once I have figured you out,
like a child bored with their toys
I’ll leave.

Inside wants out

My soul keeps begging me to listen
Whistling in wind of thoughts its screaming for me to notice
To ignore the world and what it wants from me,
And instead to listen to my heart
The parts of me in need of freeing
My shadow self is screaming
Grabbing at the scissors
The hair falling at my feet
Its is whispering stop hiding,
Now the world will see you.

I’ve stopped drowing
I’m now drifting in the air
Pushed by winds of change
Tumbling through the currents
My souls been fighting
It is time i let it win.

I should read more

My bookshelf much resembles my heart.
It’s filled with stories I had hoped to read and titles I have loved from afar.
I am always too busy to start a book. I’m always too afraid to read.
As if each page may reveal a part of me I was trying to pretend wasn’t real.

I’m made of plot twist and contradiction. I’m sometimes a heavy read.
My shelf has so many books I’m yet to complete
As if I’m hiding from knowing the end. I’m escaping the loss
Like friends, these pages have become to me.

I ‘ve never been good at goodbyes. I’m never good at endings.
I’m always avoiding the last page.
There are so many books I’d wished to never read
and yet they still managed to teach me the world.
My bookshelf resembles my heart.
Filling with Dust but as wide as the world
I need to read more.
I need to try love more