Is it better than indifference?

How does it feel to kill yourself from the inside
To hold your heart in your own first and tighten till the oxygen seeps out
The gulp when you realise it might be your last breath

Love is but a leash tightened around the neck of our souls capable of leading us to safety
But instead, we pull in the wrong direction
Leashes turn to nooses

I’m looking for you
Reaching for you
Calling out
But love has me standing on a stool
And every time you leave
it’s like my heart inches to kick the chair.

Inside wants out

My soul keeps begging me to listen
Whistling in wind of thoughts its screaming for me to notice
To ignore the world and what it wants from me,
And instead to listen to my heart
The parts of me in need of freeing
My shadow self is screaming
Grabbing at the scissors
The hair falling at my feet
Its is whispering stop hiding,
Now the world will see you.

I’ve stopped drowing
I’m now drifting in the air
Pushed by winds of change
Tumbling through the currents
My souls been fighting
It is time i let it win.

Who then will have my heart

I seemed to have become accustomed to the distorted belief
one should fall in love alone,
-unrequitedly.
As if my heart is only awakened by spiritual distance.
I am a defensive lover.
I must leave before I am left.
I’m indifferent to the prospect of needing another person.
But I am human.
All this flesh.
This beating heart.

I fall in love from a distance.
As an answer to the possibility of loving you up close.
This way I won’t hurt you and you can’t reject me.
I’m in control of my own heartbreak.
I played chess alone in a corner. I loved you from afar.
And when you don’t see my warmth because I hide it so well.

I break my own heart.
I belong to myself.
My heart has no name on it.
Not even my own.

I will not shadow your greatness

I refuse to fall in love with you
if it means I must
crack myself open to fill rivers
so that your beauty is reflected in its stillness
and the world will look to you as something of magic
for the sympathy, you show to my broken soul

I will not be found pinning by open windows for you
like an older lover waiting for a soldier at war
hoping his heart did not find someone new to keep him warm
praying his new scars need me to clean, to nurse,
as if I am a hollow home waiting for you to return to me
after you have conquered worlds and got bored of the new riches

I’m not a soft thing
I’m all sharp edges
I won’t sit with knives dulling my corner
so that you won’t fear bleeding
hoping that you would be brave enough to approach me

I don’t need you to light up my life
I am my own star reflected against my night
This darkness you see is mine
It is deep and harsh and caused by years of burning, lighting fighting
I am a flame.
Unforgiving and wild
I’ve burnt bridge and cities before you
I fear no promise of rain

Do not stand there and think that I am waiting for you
that I am in need your saving
I am a castle on my own
Strong, cold , colossal and beautiful against the sky
I have no interest in your company if are expecting less
townhouses and suburbs
I am not a flat in the city
I am the city
Do not hold me if you won’t take me as whole
I refuse to love anything less than volcanoes