Tag Archives: anxiety

I am doing good.

I don’t quite know what I’m meant to be writing. I have too many questions about life now, that my anticipation for the answer and it’s need to be right, good, and perfect, seems to be preventing me not only from moving from the spot from where I stand, but from saying the things I really want to say. How important is it that you say the right thing? That every decision amounts to something clean and perfect. Why am I so convinced that what I want to do with my life is so wrong?

When someone asks me for advice about love or life, I always say: “do what feels right and natural to you. Do what you know will make YOU happy”. and I watch them smile and light up as they realize what they really want. And even if they go the other direction they feel happy for a second in knowing what they want and how happy will feel. But when I try to follow my own advice I seem to have a reverse reaction. I seem to hit a moment of sadness and annoyances. It’s as if I don’t believe I deserve my own happiness. In away I’m scared to imagine what I want for my future. I can’t seem to figure out how I want it to look. I know what I want. I know who I want. But I can’t seem to put the pieces together without freaking out. 3

But do deserve happiness and abundance. And I do on some level believe this. But my mind has just spent so many years feeling like I lack everything I need. It’s hard to now look at it all and say I’m full of everything I need. That mental change doesn’t just happen overnight. But I’m going to keep working on it.

On a more positive note, I seem to have gotten a hold of the anxiety aspects of my life. This feels good. Not being tied to the role of the victim of my own thoughts. Yes, my mind still throws a spanner in the works of my plans every now and then, but at least I’m no longer freaking out every day. In fact, I haven’t really had a night session tear fest in a while. So, I’m taking the win.

I don’t quite know what I want to tell you in this post. But I just felt like I needed to write it. Maybe just for myself. So, I can have this conversation with me. An outward experience to my inner turmoil. For the first time, I’m feeling good and happy. Things haven’t completely worked themselves out yet and I’m still in the process of life. But I’m not being a false positive about the outcome. I’m just happy and hopeful. I am starting to be clearer about what I want and what I need. This is new for me. For some people courage means jumping off bridges, for other it is saying something to someone, but for me right now, being brave and courageous is facing myself and the truth of who I really want. Its admitting to myself that it is love, that I do want to move and that that is the job I want. And now with that knowledge I can work on the next step of being braving, which will be going after all those things and expressing them to other people. The steps of healing I guess.

I haven’t been posting much of my poetry or any prose on this site lately, but I have been starting to write in journals more which is a big deal for me. I’m constantly going through moments of feeling like I’m no good at writing. So, it blocks creativity I guess, and then I supress emotions and the circle continues. But I’m getting back into the swing of things. I really think I’m starting to feel the process of healing my life coming through now. It’s taken a long time to get here, but I feel like I’m here. On the shore of the ocean of all I am. And healing comes in waves, and I’m beginning to learn how to ride them.  And I’m not going to put pressure on myself to do this perfectly, just going to focus on doing what feels right for me.

It feels good to ramble a bit about how I’m feeling. these pieces make me feel heard, even if it’s just by myself. Often, it’s me who needs to read it the most.

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Disillusioned hope

In the moment you hear the words coming out your mouth
A realisation comes over of just how full of shit we all are convincing ourselves that we have a handle on the meaning of life

As if our soothing and deep breathing will save us from the nights we fall asleep  crying and the overwhelming feeling that tomorrow won’t get any better
All the wisdom doesn’t make life easier
We’ve just gotten better at shutting off the parts of ourselves that feel pain
Drugs come in all forms
We injest things to quickly

Testing existance

It is difficult to feel things deeply.
To be constantly connected to everything around you
An over awareness with the outcome of each breath, each move and each decision
Committing your mind to following the path of each route at an intersection.
It’s exhausting to run a marathon of ” what ifs “and possibility.

Being this way is not an active choice
this process happens so quickly,
faster than I can explain.
you think it’s weakness on my part.
you’ve seen it as my flaw.

indecision is something more than a lack of choice.
‘You’ know how to choose the best option
But what if you can convince yourself that there is beauty in each path before you
Or what if there is something a better,

maybe it’s not indecision but fear,
maybe you right, this is weakness.
But O’ how much strength it takes to live in the mind
where every mundane decision feels like a test of your existence

Why aren’t I more than this?

You don’t understand
I came out the womb fighting
My swan song has spanned the length of 25 years
I’ve been armed with words even when the silence choked the meanings out of me
I’ve been protesting my existence with posters all caps
screaming  ” I have to be more than this”
I’ve drafted editorials claiming  ,
I can do more than this!

I’ve always worn weak armor-Heavy
But soft to the blow
the darkness is tougher than me
I can’t even see the night
The moon and stars are covered by the smoke
from the flares, I’m been shooting
No one has been seeing

I came out the womb fighting for air
And now I’m suffocating

 

Misdirecting the redirection

I can’t calm myself from the thought that i have done life wrong
That even if i became the smartest person in the room
it would no subtract from the miscalculation i made when counting the days of life or the paths of decisions i made.

A voice keeps telling me that life has no rules
There is no direction of right and wrong just a series of choices
we make in the end,
they either make u happy or sad
there is never  a way to know the outcome

But the thought of misdirection still haunts me at night
Still keeps me up
I was never really made to live life

 

The worth of knowing

I had the urge to drown myself
And when I could not die
For my spirit grew strong
I was washed upon the shore
Then had the urge to set everything on fire
Let the bridges burning warm me
the fields die and fertilize
Let the smoke push out anyone who no longer found me worth the clouded air
Corrupt my lungs and slow my breathing,

If I can not leave this world
I want to see who would remain here with me
But now I can’t breathe and I am lonely.
Is this worth the knowing?