The worth of knowing

I had the urge to drown myself
And when I could not die
For my spirit grew strong
I was washed upon the shore
Then had the urge to set everything on fire
Let the bridges burning warm me
the fields die and fertilize
Let the smoke push out anyone who no longer found me worth the clouded air
Corrupt my lungs and slow my breathing,

If I can not leave this world
I want to see who would remain here with me
But now I can’t breathe and I am lonely.
Is this worth the knowing?

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In the echoes of every title

i think i put you into art from the moment we met
You’re the accumulation of puzzle pieces i’ve been finding everywhere i went
You are the maths problem with a solution i can’t get
The person i am always returning to
always trying to run from,

i have never known who you are to me
Or what I want you to be
or what you thinking when you speak of “we”

But i’ve needed you to be close
You are every line of poetry i’ve written
And every song i’ve sung

i didn’t know this then
i couldn’t love anything then
But in the echoes of every title i find your name.

Deafening silence

I have lived the suburban dream.
Complete with two dogs and a parakeet
lunchbox sandwiches and early morning buses

I was raised with safe neighboring
their polite smiles and handshakes
The priest he knew our names

Walking distance from my closest friends and heartbreaks just behind the bend
Mother always new where we were when night drew near

I always saw the clouds
I could count the stars
I grew up in the suburban  dream

And all I learnt was how suffocating the clean air can be
How trapping the smiles seems
How loud and deceiving  the   silence really is.

Spilling out

I wanted to carve circles beneath my eyes
Strech my skin across the bones of cheeks
Rose the flesh on my skin
Like a scarlet letter
I craved to wear my sadness like a sign of isolation
A note to the world that my insides could not contain itself
A warning that my heart was spilling out
I need to be seen as how i felt
As a confirmation that my existance was real
The world needed to see me bleed

A childhood for childish things

I love this. With turning 25 being three days away, I’ve become extremely reflective. Maybe it is the pressure of officially being an adult  or the fear for the depression and anxiety that comes with thinking you haven’t achieved what you wanted by 25. Either way, I’ve started to think a lot about what has happened in my first quarter. The friends I have , the friends I’ve lost. The loves I’ve missed, and the opportunities  ran from. The nights I cried, the days I didn’t want to wake up to. The moments of love, and the moments of anger. Like a tornado of emotions and flash photography, my mind has been spinning. And more often then not I go to the dark place of “what if’s” and “maybes” , and “should have ” and “could have”. However, I refuse to get depressed about my birthday.

25 is not just a big number because everyone says so. But because it is my conclusion number. This is the year of ends for me. The end of my studies , of bad friendships, and hopefully the last year I live at home .I’m entering a time of transition. Maybe the first quarter was filled of mistakes and missed moments, but I’m going to forgive myself for it. How could anyone know any better when learning to live and breath for the first time? A childhood for childish things. I know that sounds like it is an insult,but  its not. One of the most important part of being a child is to learn and make mistakes. To be and adult is to learn and take steps.  I’ve played and learns, and scraped my knee more times then I can count. Now I need to continue learning , but start to stand up, and move towards my dreams. This is how I will define being an adult. It doesn’t have to be he same for all of us.

This is not to say I will automatically turn into a mature well rounded citizen. NO. I’m so far from that. What I refer to is the way my mind works and the way I reason my life. That’s what I’m going to work on changing. My inner child will always remain , her and her adventurous spirit and ridiculous humor 🙂

The most important part of my turning 25 reflections is that I’m letting myself of the hook for all that happened good and bad. I’ve learnt what I can from it.  I shall now move forward. Ready for all that comes and hopeful for my dream of . I’m also going to allow myself feel everything I feel , good and bad. And not to put pressure on myself to have everything always together. I’m human. I will make mistakes, and have bad days. Its all part of the process. I need to remember that.

So here is to the last few days of 24 . it wasn’t as fun as 23 , lol, but 24 taught more about myself then all 24 years combined. here is to life lessons.

 

 

 

 

 

You Are Tired (I Think)

You are tired,
(I think)
Of the always puzzle of living and doing;
And so am I.

Come with me, then,
And we’ll leave it far and far away—
(Only you and I, understand!)

You have played,
(I think)
And broke the toys you were fondest of,
And are a little tired now;
Tired of things that break, and—
Just tired.
So am I.

But I come with a dream in my eyes tonight,
And knock with a rose at the hopeless gate of your heart—
Open to me!
For I will show you the places Nobody knows,
And, if you like,
The perfect places of Sleep.

Ah, come with me!
I’ll blow you that wonderful bubble, the moon,
That floats forever and a day;
I’ll sing you the jacinth song
Of the probable stars;
I will attempt the unstartled steppes of dream,
Until I find the Only Flower,
Which shall keep (I think) your little heart
While the moon comes out of the sea.

e.e. cummings

 

I love this poem. I think this is my expression of a proposal. It is simple  love. Life is exhausting . Each moment feels like a struggle as if  I’m constantly facing a battle. Even though I would always choose to face them myself , and be the strong independent spirit I have always been, somethings need someone to hold your hand  or someone’s shoulder to lay your head on.

This poem to me is a declaration of commitment and love. He is standing before you and saying that he see the pain on your face and the weakness in your eyes from giving the world so much of who you are. The remains of the everyday battles. He sees you because he to has faced these battles, he too struggles through life.  But he provides you with hope . A promise for something more.Let’s leave this place. Let’s go towards the light of the moon. Give him your hurt and you can live in love, free from the tiring world you’ve always known. Go away with him, and find peace. he does promise to give you the world. but to make the one you find a home.

Maybe I’m romancing pain, but this poem is my version of a white knight. If someone said this to me I’d leave to the unknown with them right there and then.:)