Testing existance

It is difficult to feel things deeply.
To be constantly connected to everything around you
An over awareness with the outcome of each breath, each move and each decision
Committing your mind to following the path of each route at an intersection.
It’s exhausting to run a marathon of ” what ifs “and possibility.

Being this way is not an active choice
this process happens so quickly,
faster than I can explain.
you think it’s weakness on my part.
you’ve seen it as my flaw.

indecision is something more than a lack of choice.
‘You’ know how to choose the best option
But what if you can convince yourself that there is beauty in each path before you
Or what if there is something a better,

maybe it’s not indecision but fear,
maybe you right, this is weakness.
But O’ how much strength it takes to live in the mind
where every mundane decision feels like a test of your existence


Moving forward

There is strange feeling that comes over you
when you watch the past version of yourself burn in the flames,
It resembles a warm hug,
Almost as if every unrequited moment or tear shed
has finally surpassed the need for closure,
You are watching your limitations combust
and you are finally feeling like who you wanted to be.

Its like surfing a volcano
The moment you say
“No one can hold me back”

Jasmine and Violets

If we have girls,
Let us name them after flowers.
So they will know their beauty is not only in the colors of skin
-but in the strength they have within.
So they know to always look up to the sun, cry with the earth and seek nourishment for their soul  from the soil.
-And when they feel the ground is hard they will trust there roots.
May they never forget that the are as strong as they are beautiful.

Under an imprisoned sky

Dear Friend

I want to cry because there are things I want to tell you about the world .Things that I think about at night when I can’t sleep. I’ve been questioning the moon and her motives.Why does she float there stealing the light from the sun ? Watching the world like a guardian who doesn’t have the heart to tell is us we got the meaning of life wrong. I want to ask you about your life.

I want to ask you about your life. With no expectations or investigative curiosity, just a desire to understand you better .Learn your world and make sure you getting enough sun. Tell you that I’m happy for you if you found someone. I’ve been tapping my fingers on the phone trying to get myself to speak to you or accept the possibility that I should let go.

I feel an elephant on my lungs at night.I wanted to tell someone about it. Instead of writing experimental poetry that no one will read. It always seems to be doused in too many uses of the sea and drowning as metaphors for my existence. I’m shallow at best these days,I lack the depressive depth of Plath and Woolf.Without the smell of smoke, I fear I can’t muster up any creativity to write you an” existential essays” in the likes of Hemingway. But I’ve been holding out this hope that you might excuse my stupidity.There is this part of me that can’t shack the feeling that you are the only one who understands what I’m feeling.Like  in some way we are connected in our understanding of the world. I wish to talk to you about it. Maybe say out loud to someone that I don’t want to leave the house these days.That I can’t wake up some mornings. That the glass wall seems to be up again.

Yet every time I try to start a conversation all i can muster is “hello” . When you ask how I am, I have this urge to lie and say “I’m good”. As if I’ll disappoint you if I’m depressed again .That maybe you will pull away from me if I let you in. I can’t risk having someone else tell me to be tough again.Or to be grateful or trust in God or be positive , give it your best shot. Because I’m scared. Being tough and strong doesn’t make it go away.These feelings don’t go away. It’s there when I close my eyes it’s there when I wake up.My life scares me some days ,t feels heavy  most days. I don’t know how not to be sad about it yet.

Mostly , though, I miss you. You’ve seemed to have forgotten how much I’ve always missed you when you gone. I used to spend that energy on ensuring I remember how much you can upset me. But lately ,I remember the good only. Maybe all of this is a sign that something in my life is changing.

It’s midnight. You are probably sleeping. It’s stupid of me to want to write you letters .It’s stupid to think we are imprisoned by the same sky.

yours forever

A friend

Goodbye is common

I’m always saying goodbyes
but I’m standing still,
My life is me pushing my soul
like a boulder up a hill.

You’ve told me to be brave
To pave my own way,
You’ve asked me whats been forcing me to stay,
because you can’t feel the tide in which i’m drowning away
Or see these glass walls enclosing me in a cave.

Yes I’m weaker,
I fall to peices every time you return
I’ve been carving myself out of this skin hoping to run away
But fear keep calling me by name
It’s checks up on me
It’s sees if I’m okay
It’s become my closet friend

I’ve only learnt to say goodbye
No instructions on how to leave
You stand shouting  my fear is unreal,
Then when you leave you forget about me.

Atleast fear is left to hold me
the sound of the tide lulls me to sleep
I’m home in this cave.

Why aren’t I more than this?

You don’t understand
I came out the womb fighting
My swan song has spanned the length of 25 years
I’ve been armed with words even when the silence choked the meanings out of me
I’ve been protesting my existence with posters all caps
screaming  ” I have to be more than this”
I’ve drafted editorials claiming  ,
I can do more than this!

I’ve always worn weak armor-Heavy
But soft to the blow
the darkness is tougher than me
I can’t even see the night
The moon and stars are covered by the smoke
from the flares, I’m been shooting
No one has been seeing

I came out the womb fighting for air
And now I’m suffocating


Misdirecting the redirection

I can’t calm myself from the thought that i have done life wrong.
That even if i became the smartest person in the room
it would not subtract from the miscalculation i made when counting the days of life or the paths of decisions i made.

A voice keeps telling me that ” life has no rules
There is no direction of right and wrong just a series of choices
we make in the end,
they either make u happy or sad
there is never  a way to know the outcome” ,

But the thought of misdirection still haunts me at night,
Still keeps me up.
I was never really made to live life.