A melancholy heartbeat

It is beautiful even if it is sad,
Even if tears the seams of your heart
And causes tidal waves in your soul
It remains beautiful,
Like the sky when it rains
Or the ocean’s waves
It’s beautiful because it’s strong
It roars, it thunders, it cries, it destructs
It makes you feel
What is more beautiful than a heart beat,
irrespective of why it beats?

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Who then will have my heart

I seemed to have become accustomed to the distorted belief
one should fall in love alone,
-unrequitedly.
As if my heart is only awakened by spiritual distance.
I am a defensive lover.
I must leave before I am left.
I’m indifferent to the prospect of needing another person.
But I am human.
All this flesh.
This beating heart.

I fall in love from a distance.
As an answer to the possibility of loving you up close.
This way I won’t hurt you and you can’t reject me.
I’m in control of my own heartbreak.
I played chess alone in a corner. I loved you from afar.
And when you don’t see my warmth because I hide it so well.

I break my own heart.
I belong to myself.
My heart has no name on it.
Not even my own.

Disillusioned hope

In the moment you hear the words coming out your mouth
A realisation comes over of just how full of shit we all are convincing ourselves that we have a handle on the meaning of life

As if our soothing and deep breathing will save us from the nights we fall asleep  crying and the overwhelming feeling that tomorrow won’t get any better
All the wisdom doesn’t make life easier
We’ve just gotten better at shutting off the parts of ourselves that feel pain
Drugs come in all forms
We injest things to quickly

I will not shadow your greatness

I refuse to fall in love with you
if it means I must
crack myself open to fill rivers
so that your beauty is reflected in its stillness
and the world will look to you as something of magic
for the sympathy, you show to my broken soul

I will not be found pinning by open windows for you
like an older lover waiting for a soldier at war
hoping his heart did not find someone new to keep him warm
praying his new scars need me to clean, to nurse,
as if I am a hollow home waiting for you to return to me
after you have conquered worlds and got bored of the new riches

I’m not a soft thing
I’m all sharp edges
I won’t sit with knives dulling my corner
so that you won’t fear bleeding
hoping that you would be brave enough to approach me

I don’t need you to light up my life
I am my own star reflected against my night
This darkness you see is mine
It is deep and harsh and caused by years of burning, lighting fighting
I am a flame.
Unforgiving and wild
I’ve burnt bridge and cities before you
I fear no promise of rain

Do not stand there and think that I am waiting for you
that I am in need your saving
I am a castle on my own
Strong, cold , colossal and beautiful against the sky
I have no interest in your company if are expecting less
townhouses and suburbs
I am not a flat in the city
I am the city
Do not hold me if you won’t take me as whole
I refuse to love anything less than volcanoes

Testing existance

It is difficult to feel things deeply.
To be constantly connected to everything around you
An over awareness with the outcome of each breath, each move and each decision
Committing your mind to following the path of each route at an intersection.
It’s exhausting to run a marathon of ” what ifs “and possibility.

Being this way is not an active choice
this process happens so quickly,
faster than I can explain.
you think it’s weakness on my part.
you’ve seen it as my flaw.

indecision is something more than a lack of choice.
‘You’ know how to choose the best option
But what if you can convince yourself that there is beauty in each path before you
Or what if there is something a better,

maybe it’s not indecision but fear,
maybe you right, this is weakness.
But O’ how much strength it takes to live in the mind
where every mundane decision feels like a test of your existence

Moving forward

There is strange feeling that comes over you
when you watch the past version of yourself burn in the flames,
It resembles a warm hug,
Almost as if every unrequited moment or tear shed
has finally surpassed the need for closure,
You are watching your limitations combust
and you are finally feeling like who you wanted to be.

Its like surfing a volcano
The moment you say
“No one can hold me back”